The Onion, April 10, 2002 | Issue 38•13

ATHENS, GA—Thirty-seven record-store clerks are missing and feared dead in the aftermath of a partial roof collapse during a Yo La Tengo concert Monday.

“We’re trying our best to rescue these clerks, but, realistically, there’s not a lot of hope,” said emergency worker Len Guzman, standing outside the 40 Watt Club, where the tragedy occurred. “These people are simply not in the physical condition to survive this sort of trauma. It’s just a twisted mass of black-frame glasses and ironic Girl Scouts T-shirts in there.”

Also believed to be among the missing are seven freelance rock critics, five vinyl junkies, two ‘zine publishers, an art-school dropout, and a college-radio DJ.

The collapse occurred approximately 30 minutes into the Hoboken, NJ, band’s set, when a poorly installed rooftop heating-and-cooling unit came loose and crashed through the roof, bringing several massive steel beams down with it.

Andy Ringler, an assistant manager at Wuxtry Records, sustained head trauma when he ran back into the building to rescue a fellow clerk.

“I just had to help,” said Ringler, listed in stable condition at a nearby hospital. “I saw all these people coming out bleeding and dazed. I gave up my vintage Galaxie 500 shirt just to help some guy bandage his arm. It was horrible.”

Added Ringler: “I just pray they can somehow get this club rebuilt in time for next month’s Dismemberment Plan/Death Cab For Cutie show. That’s a fantastic double bill.”

Joe Gaer was among the lucky record-store clerks who escaped unscathed.

“I was in the bathroom when it happened,” said Gaer, a part-time cashier at School Kids Records. “There was this loud crashing sound, followed by even louder crashing, and then all these screams. If I hadn’t left to take a leak during ‘Moby Octopad’—to be honest, never one of my favorite songs on I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One—I’d probably be among the dead.”

“It’s just tragic,” Gaer continued. “I heard they were going to play Daniel Johnston’s ‘Speeding Motorcycle.’ They almost never do that one live.”

Devastated by the disaster, Athens record-store owners are still holding out hope that their employees are still alive.

“All I can do is wait and pray they’ll find them,” said Bert’s Discount Records owner Bert Halyard, who lost clerks Todd Fischer and Dan Harris in the collapse. “They were going to start an experimental/math-rock band together. Dan had a really nice Moog synthesizer and an original pressing of the first Squirrel Bait EP.”

As of press time, police and emergency rescue workers were still sifting through the wreckage for copies of Magnet, heated debates over the definition of emo, and other signs of record-store-clerk life.

“I haven’t seen this much senseless hipster carnage since the Great Sebadoh Fire Of ’93,” said rescue worker Larry Kolterman, finding a green-and-gold suede Puma sneaker in the rubble. “It’s such a shame that all those bastions of indie-rock geekitude had to go in their prime. Their cries of ‘sellout’ have been forever silenced.”

Formada en Londres en 1992 por Luke Haines (guitarra), Alice Readman (bajo) y Glenn Collins (batería),The Auteurs es una de las bandas menos recordadas de la escena musical británica de los noventas. Comparada con Suede desde un principio, nunca llegó a tener el éxito masivo que lograron algunos de sus contemporaneos.

En sus cinco años de existencia esta banda nos dejó varios singles, un par de EP’s y cinco discos completos de insuperable calidad. A continuación los reseñamos.(sigue)

What is Geocaching?

Geocaching is an entertaining adventure game for gps users. Participating in a cache hunt is a good way to take advantage of the wonderful features and capability of a gps unit. The basic idea is to have individuals and organizations set up caches all over the world and share the locations of these caches on the internet. GPS users can then use the location coordinates to find the caches. Once found, a cache may provide the visitor with a wide variety of rewards. All the visitor is asked to do is if they get something they should try to leave something for the cache.

Una página (www.geocaching.com)con una base de datos enorme de “caches” en todas parte del mundo incluyendo a México y Nuevo León.
COMO FUNCIONA UN GPS

QUINTA PARTE

SEXTA PARTE

This MacPhisto speech (november 27, 1993) is a masterpiece of bitter irony which continues to blur the question of whether MacPhisto is (was) meant to be a corrupted old rock star, or a representation of the actual devil:

My time among you is nearly over…Before I go, I have some messages for the world.

People of America, I gave you Bill Clinton – I put him on CNN, NBC, C-Span. Too tall to be a despot, but watch him closely.

People of Asia, your time is coming – without your transistors, none of this [gestures to Zoo TV stage set] would be possible.

People of Europe – when I came among you, you were squabbling like children. Now you’re all hooked up to one cable, as close together as stations on a dial.

People of the former Soviet Union – I gave you capitalism, so now you can all dream of being as wealthy and glamorous as me.

People of Sarajevo, count your blessings, there are people all over the world who have food, heat and security, but they’re not on TV like you are.

Frank Sinatra, I give you the MTV demographic; Salman Rushdie, I give you decibels.

Goodbye Squidgy, I hope they give you Wales; goodbye, Michael; goodbye all you neo-nazis, I hope they give you Auschwitz.”

Tradicionalmente celebrado en el primer cuarto menguante de la luna entre finales de abril y principios de mayo. Este año toca el día de HOY 6 de mayo del 2006.

Festejemos con algunos datos interesantes de nuestro entorno macro.

THE MOON:

Most might think that the best time to look at the Moon is when it’s full, but that’s probably the worst time to look at it. When the Moon is full it tends to be overly bright as well as flat and one-dimensional in appearance.

In contrast, around the interval when the Moon is just past First Quarter phase (as will be the case this weekend) we get the best views of the lunar landscape right along the sunrise-sunset line or terminator. It’s here that craters, mountains, and clefts appear to stand out in sharp relief. In addition, a half Moon offers more viewing comfort to the eye as opposed to a full Moon. In fact, a half Moon is heavily shadowed, even on its illuminated half.

PLANETS:

As we noted last week, there are three bright planets that are currently visible in our evening sky: Mars, Saturn and Jupiter. We have left Mars too far behind in our orbit to see hardly any features on it, but Saturn and Jupiter provide a smorgasbord of marvelous sights for telescopes.

DISINTEGRATING COMET:

This week Comet Schwassmann-Wachmann 3 will be making its closest pass to the Earth.

During the autumn of 1995, this comet suddenly and unexpectedly fractured into several pieces, and in the process became many hundreds of times brighter than expected, even becoming barely visible to the unaided eye. Now, again en route toward the Sun, dozens of separate pieces have been sighted with the biggest of these (fragment “C”) due to pass within 7.3 million miles of Earth on May 12 – closer than any comet since 1983. For a number of nights around this date it just might again verge on naked-eye visibility.

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

Dear Eight-Hour Workday,

Before I was hired at a 9-to-5 job, I had no idea how long you were. I skipped along blissfully through life, never questioning the sanctity of each moment. The phrase “9 to 5″ was merely a metaphor for “people who have real jobs.” Now that I have arrived in this world of suits and scheduling, I know the truth. Eight hours is an eternity. . . . . . .

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE EIGHT-HOUR WORKDAY@mcsweeneys.net

POST CLAUSURADO!!!

MIL DISCULPAS ELENITA!!!